rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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