that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
