Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
