Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
