Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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