He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
