I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
