I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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