Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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