Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
