dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
People in love make me want to vomit
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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