Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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