I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
