OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
