i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
