There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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