my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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