New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
