You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
