You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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