i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
