so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
