I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
