Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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