I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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