i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
