my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
