He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
