I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
