You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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