i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
