i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
