I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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