i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
