Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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