I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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