Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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