In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
