The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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