I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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