At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
