When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
