my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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