I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
