i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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