i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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