he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
