I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
