You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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