Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
