and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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