2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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