Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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